"Mommy, Mommy"

Well we are in our way home now. The goodbye was tough, our girl at a few moments would let the sadness of our goodbye show, and then at other times the tough armor she has been forced to wear throughout her life from all her losses would go on and no emotion of the goodbye would show in her. As she pulled out of the driveway on the last day, she was wearing a smile and waving. I had my sunglasses on to try to hide the emotions inside as I know her heart and how she hurts for others more than for herself, so I didn't want her to see my sorrow so I bared a smile back and a wave goodbye.  This is that part of adoption that is hard, really hard! But I know the future blessings to come and the ones we have already experienced with our daughter will far outweigh the pain as God will make beauty from today's pain. 

So as I am flying home I am reflecting on the whole trip, and I continue to be heart broken for the deep sadness that is masked in the creche by the kids there with their playfulness with each other and the laughter you hear.   But throughout each day the moments come, you see the pain emerge in their eyes,  a trigger, each and every child at the creche you will see it. They instinctly know they need a mommy....and it so ironic that every female visitor they call mommy and at all times there will be a little one at your feet, arms up, hoping you will pick them up and give them some love, "mommy,mommy" they say.

I am self conscious about my body, lots of women are, I know this, but it's a struggle I don't let others see, but it's there. But on this trip, I found myself not only losing this part of me and not caring, but actually feeling myself happy that I am "a little squishy". You see, these little ones, no matter how small, know they need a mommy. Ed, Claire, and I were all ready and willing to hold the little ones at anytime, but we all noticed they would fight the most for me....and I kept clearly hearing that these kids need that soft, squishy, mommy type of cuddling.  They would tolerate Ed and Claire's lap, but they wanted mine. Every child there, no matter how active, once they got a spot on my lap would stay there perfectly content for as long as I let them. So many of them would drift off to sleep and I would wonder how few of times in this child's life have they actually been held as they drift off and the contradiction of how many times our children stateside have gotten this luxury, to the point that they don't know it is a gift. Part of our adoption process is this two week bonding trip and I knew the Lord had us here for this time not just for our daughter, but to be that mommy for those other kids whose mommies can't be there or who don't have one....Yet.

There was one boy in particular, for privacy I can't say his name, so I'll call him "A". "A" is the wild one, who was always climbing the thing he shouldn't climb, jumping off the highest point he could get to, always doing something he wasn't supposed to do. I've seen those kids before, and usually those types will never settle down in your lap, but I kept hearing the spirit say "A" needs to be held the most, make room on your lap for "A", and every time I did, that whirlwind kid would nestle into me so close and his hand would always grab tight to any part of me, like he had to hold tight so he wouldn't lose this "mommy moment".  Everytime it left me awe and also broken hearted that such an energetic kid would have such a huge need to be held that he could restrain all his energy to be held.  In these moments such great joy I would feel knowing the Lord let me hold one of His babies, let me be part of this, let me be that mommy for an hour to "A" and the other little ones. 

I had some great time with Kathi, the director of C4C, and was asking about their needs, and she said there greatest need is to have people come and just hold babies, love on them, interact with them, bring them a toy, as being in this environment is the toughest on the babies and toddlers. The older kids have each other and school, it's not the best situation, but they have something, the little ones need a mommy right now, even for an hour. I keep thinking of all the squishy mommies I know and how blessed each of those mommies would be to get to love on these kids.  

Deuteronomy 24:19-22

When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back to get it. Leave it for the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. When you beat the olives from your trees, do not go over the branches a second time. Leave what remains for the alien, the fatherless and the widow. When you harvest the grapes in your vinyard, do not go over the vines again. Leave what remains for the alien, the fatherless and the widow. Remember that you were slaves in Egypt. That is why I command you to do this.

We are all so blessed with leftover "grapes from our vinyard", we have so much extra love we can give as we have been so greatly loved ourselves. There is a need, I have seen it, I have experienced it, and for "A", I met it. Can you go and meet an orphans need? Ask me how if you're interested.

Learning from our daughter

"When a child walks down the road, a company of angels goes before him proclaiming 'Make way for the image of the Holy One' " - A Hasidic saying from the book Their Name is Today.

Our daughter is such a blessing and is teaching us so much about faith and love. She so easily and willingly is giving her heart to us. She has the kindest spirit and you can see the joy she has in her smile which is almost always on her face. 

In our preparing for our adoption we have read many books on the "issues" many adoptive kids have. Some include being emotionally unavailable, behavior issues, etc. So we were always prepared and were expecting these things. But God has been so good in preparing her heart and knitting our hearts together.  We have encountered none of these things with her on this bonding trip. She has been sharing things with is about her life and past hurts that I/we never even knew if would be able to get her to talk about and she is openly talking about this stuff with us. It amazes me how readily she is to share her heart. We have had a couple of hard cries with her about how much she has been hurt in her life so far and it wrenches my heart to see her have such sadness in her but also shows me how resilient she is that she can still be full of joy and so forgiving of her past. This girl is a fighter and is going to do BIG things in her life.

We can clearly see how her resiliency has come from the love and care Chances for Children has shown her.  It is not fair that the term orphans exist, it is not fair the suffering these kids have endured at an age when they can't defend themselves. But I know that it is OUR job to step in and right these wrongs. In Isaiah 1:17 the bible says "help the oppressed.Defend the cause of orphans". We are in no uncertain terms called to care for and defend the orphan.  We got to spend time with the head of child sponsorship for C4C and she shared that in order to be full funded they need to have 336 sponsors, they currently have 170! You can help, you can sponsor a child at www.chances4children.org or get in touch with me and I'll get you pointed in the right direction. Or come visit on a missions trip. The below picture looks all fun and games, but literally it is like this every day with kids fighting to get some lap time and they thrive when they get one on one attention. Can you come and be that lap for a child to sit on? Ask me how.

So to clarify for everyone she is not coming home with us on this trip.....which again tears my heart open as it is now impossible to imagine our family without her and I feel like us leaving will be yet another pain she has to endure.  We are flying out this Friday and we have not told her yet as at any mention of us leaving she gets so sad. 

Today is our IBESR social worker interview, which is one of the final steps for the Haiti side of this adoption, then we will move on to the American side of things which typically takes another six months, but there are rumors right now that I don't like to hear saying it will take longer than that. I am shutting those rumors out and expecting God to show off His power and move these things along quickly. This summer is my Godly goal!

However, I have to admit I've been contemplating drilling breathing holes in my suitcase and sneaking her home now, it seems like the only rational thing to do😉.

Please keep our interview today and our goodbyes on Friday in your prayers. 

To God be the glory.

More updates

We have been in Haiti for one week and our time here has been so sweet in so many ways. 

First, our girls!!! Seeing our daughters come together and so happily accept each other is beautiful. I am blessed to see their hearts weaving together. As our oldest daughter was going to school today and was on her way out Claire ran out because she needed a huggie and a kissy from her before she left. The girls were playing the other day and both got hurt and skinned both of their knees and it was so sweet as both were more concerned with the others injury than their own and took care of each other and then together hobbled over to mom and dad.

We have had so much time laughing and playing together.  This evening we played the board game sorry....do you remember how to play. The main gist is often bumping other players back to start. I have said over and over how sweet our daughter is, but I thought how she played the game was a true testimony to her kindness and sweetness. So as soon as she got the first sorry card she refused to play it and instead would try to send her pawn to start. You could tell it really bothered her to hurt someone or make them feel bad even though that was part of the game.  And she is that way with everyone and in everything she does. When around the babies at the creche she loves to make them smile and is so good with them and all the kids.  Yesterday we went to Duet, which is a very sad orphanage and she jumped right in and helped with those kids and was so sweet with them too.

I can see why our daughter has such a loving heart, as EVERYTHING Chances for Children does is centered around Christ and loving one another. The staff at every level are so tender and caring and you can see how much they love the kids. Yesterday when the girls hurt their knees it was well after shift change and one of the nannies, Madame Patrick, who had already been off work for quite a while and was heading out saw our daughters knee and turned back and took the extra time to take her in and make sure it got cleaned up and was not going to let our daughter go anywhere with a banged up knee. She also at another time came up to Claire to tell her what a great little sister she is and that she is beautiful.  The drivers, the cooks, the cleaners, the nannies, the teachers, the directors, everyone is so loving and kind and all are excited for our family. C4C works through Christ in such a loving way to be that first step in healing for an orphan and it shows in the joy that the children have. 

Tomorrow we are going to go shopping at the American grocery store with our daughter and she is SO excited. I don't know for sure, but I am pretty sure this will be her first time ever at a grocery store....at age 10!  We knew we were going to need to go and at first it looked like we were having to go today while she was in school and she was so sad. We definitely need some more lunch stuff and a few supplies, but she was so sad over not going with us we had decided if she couldn't go we wouldn't go and would just make due with what we have. God knew this was something special and it turned out no cars were available today so we had to go Saturday which meant she could go. It will ground you and make you fully aware of how abundantly blessed you are when you see the excitement of a child getting to go to the grocery store for the first time. She was praying about it and thanking the Lord for allowing her to go and how she knows He will be with us as we shop and with her while she sleeps dreaming of her shopping.  Ed and I knew that this could be an area she might over indulge in and we could end up with a full shopping cart for just a few days of supplies so we decided to set some ground rules that each girl could get two things outside of what we have on our family list. We thought this would be met with resistance, but instead it was met with gratitude and like we were allowing her so much. It also helped that here desired items made it on the family grocery list which are bananas and apples.

Such a great first week and every day keeps getting better as deeper connections are formed.

To God be the glory!

Sunday Funday

Another great day. We started out with church, much different than back home. Everyone dresses in their Sunday best clothes. When we arrived we first sat in the middle of church. Very soon we were escorted to the front (literally right next to preacher pulpit) of the church where special guest sit. I could tell our oldest daughter (by the way, I am not allowed to share her name publicly which is why you don't hear her name) did not like being in the spotlight like this. So it was even more awesome that she chose to stay up front with us where she was not comfortable being rather than returning to the pews to sit with her friends. Seriously, we are having great progress with building our bond as a family. I think having Claire on this trip is really helping build that bond as the two of them have connected so easily. 

Three and a half hours in all the Haitian children who were as young as three sat perfectly still in church, meanwhile I thought Claire was going to die being in church that long. She started pulling out all the stops, but she got through it (just barely). Ed and I both loved the service, Haitians have a great love for the Lord and are so spirited in how they express it. They also like to put people on the spot and asked for us to come up and say a few words, which Ed did awesome, although I could tell he was a little nervous.

From there we returned to the creche, pretty low key day on Sundays around there, but all the kids love any attention and loving they can get. And of course we got schooled at soccer. Ed, I , our oldest, and Claire played on one team against a team of one, he is six years old and he destroyed us. 

This afternoon our oldest also asked me if I would do her hair, which is a big deal and definitely another step in that bond/trust building process. I was so nervous. For a year now I have been learning how to do her hair and studying up, but have never actually been able to practice. But I have to say, it turned out really well and also helps facilitate more bonding. I also am so proud of how Claire has embraced her sister and is so welcoming to her in the family. She got really excited to help too.

Tomorrow our daughter has school so we will spend our time loving on all the little ones that aren't old enough for school while she is at school. The little ones spend a lot of time in their cribs and they are SO happy when you spring them from the baby room and give them some one on one attention and love. 

We are really having the best trip so far and I/we just love our time as a family. We are praising God for how He has worked to connect our hearts together, as we came expecting "adoption/attachment" issues to deal with, and while we know those are still to come, we haven't had any yet and it has been all fun/sweet times. To God be the glory!

Off to a great start

Wow, Ed and I keep commenting that our bonding trip is going better than we could expect. God is good. We flew in to Haiti Friday and made it up to the creche by three. Our newest daughter was playing on the playground and we had such a great greeting from her. She is really the sweetest little 10 year old girl. She is full of laughter and smiles. Claire and her have hit it off so well!!!!! Like beyond our expectations well. Our two girls spent the past day and half connected at the hip, laughing at everything, and playing a few tricks on mom and dad. Our time together as a family feels so easy, so right, and what we have been longing for in our hearts for the past two years. I have imagined this time for so long, but it is even better than what I dreamed.

Our two week trip will mainly be just hanging out as a family. We have an appointment with the US Emanassy next Tuesday and then at some point in time will have an interview with a social worker. We sure do love this time!!!! We will keep you updated.

Blessings in Disguise

It is very easy to miss seeing how God is protecting you and is also guiding you, many times we don't even realize that God protected us.  Not only that, I think at times I find myself having disappointment over situations that have not gone "my" way, but not always do I get to see the blessing of why it didn't go my way; sometimes you do though.....

Most families when they get their adoption referral (which is what we recently got which triggers the two week trip) go to Haiti within a few days of receiving the referral. That had always been our plan.  We were disappointed when we found out that wasn't going to work as there were some accommodation issues with the dates we wanted to travel.  But Ed and I both have felt God making it very clear to us as to the reason for the need for the wait and can see Gods hand in guiding us through every step.   Which I think so often, we forget to see that sometimes our unanswered prayers are really for our protection or for our future blessings.

Point in case, for our socialization trip we actually are going to be flying through New York to get to Haiti.....not the normal plan, but because our trip pushes up against Spring Break flight cost are double what they usually are and the most economical route is through New York flying on a Delta flight.   Had we traveled in "our" timing, today we could have been flying Delta through New York.  Did you see what happened to a Delta flight at LaGuardia today and the storm everyone on the East Coast is dealing with:

Delta Flight Skids off Runway at LaGuardia

Yup, God guided us right past that one.   For sure we would have had problems flying out today, and because we are required to have 15 days on the ground in Haiti for this trip, it would have caused major problems if we had flight delays that delayed our trip. Forecast for our travel dates next week in New York- sunny and blue skies!

Next, we have been hugely blessed to walk through this adoption journey with two other families at our church who are all adopting kiddo's from Chances for Children.  This is a huge blessing both to us and to our kiddo's that are going to continue to have each other in their life from Haiti to Clovis.   Well, had we gone in "our" timing on our two week trip we would be there on our own.  But now, with this delay of two weeks before we could go it looks like now one of these families will get to be in Haiti with us for part of our trip.  Huge blessing, and once again, all from His guidance.   Not only will Ed, Claire, I and our daughter be bonding on this trip, but I believe this will help grow our daughter and this families children from C4C closer together in preparation for their transition to Clovis.

So, let me keep going on other ways we are seeing His hand.   Our daughter currently is at Chances for Children, but prior to that she was at an orphanage that has much to be desired and is a very damaging environment/circumstance to be in for a child (or for anyone. I will tell you more about this place in later blogs and have previously blogged about it before...utterly heartbreaking).   The kids at Chances for Children who came from this other orphanage, called Duet, frequently get to go back there and visit their friends who are still at that orphanage.   At Duet they have a wall of pictures and there is a picture on that wall of our daughter from many years ago when she lived there, and in the background of that picture is the face of a beautiful lady who is very involved with C4C.   On a previous mission trip I had gone to Duet with the child that will be becoming our daughter and she saw that picture.  I remember her telling me a little about her time at Duet and how hard it was there and that the lady in the picture loved her so much and made her feel loved during that time.   My heart melted at that story both for the tragedy of our sweet girl and what she has experienced in her life, but also with gratitude for all the volunteers that have gone before us, like this lady, and shown love to our child before we ever knew her and when we couldn't be there (side note- if you feel the tug to go on a mission trip GO, need help figuring out how, message/email me and I can point in the right direction).   So after that trip I reached out and shared that story with the woman who was in the picture as I knew who she was via Facebook.  Well guess what!!!!!  With the new timing of our trip, that is the Lord's timing, that lady will actually be in Haiti with us for part of our trip.   To able to thank her in person for the love she showed to a child who desperately needed to be loved.....well, there are no words that will be able to express our gratitude, but what a huge blessing it will be to meet her, encourage her, and see our daughter see her again!  Yup, God gave us another peek as to why we needed to wait and to follow His path on this trip.

So one week from today is our big day to begin travel and we are SO excited to see our sweet girl again.  Claire is going with us and it is really cool to see her getting more and more excited and the plans she has for the things her and her sister are going to do.


Proverbs 3:23-26

Then you will go on your way in safety,

and your foot will not stumble.

24When you lie down, you will not be afraid;

when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

25Have no fear of sudden disaster

or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,

26for the Lord will be at your side

and will keep your foot from being snared.

Hebrews 12:2

2 Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.